Results day

Today results day, a day full of mixed emotions, as we sat in the waiting room waiting to see my oncologist my head is full of worry, the waiting is torture you think of the worst but hope for the best, luckily we didn't have a long wait. It was the first time Jo had seen me having to use my walking stick, I could see the sadness on her face as she mentioned it but I told her It helps me and it doesn't bother me now, we do have a good friendship with Jo after all I've been seeing her for 7 1/2 year now and she knows I'm prepared to take any treatment she can offer me. So after the usual 'how are you' she went on to say the scan does show the tumour in my pelvis had grown, that's what I expected due to all the pain but she was reassured that it's not spread anywhere else, she did mention the 2 nodules in my lung but they've not changed since previous scans so she doesn't think it's anything that we need concern about. The plan is 3 month of chemo every 2 week but first I need a permanent line in my chest, it's called a portacath (think that's how you spell it) that's done as day surgery in theatre, I should get an appointment  within 2 week then start chemo almost straight after. 

  The pain is much better with increased meds but still having trouble sleeping and  pain during the night, the steroids make me hungry I do nothing but eat! I've put on a stone in 3 week, but I feel much better for it and I seem to have more energy too. 

  For now I'm keen to get on with the chemo and hope it shrinks the disease and gives me more relief from pain. 

 I'd just like to thank you all for the well wishes. Don't know what I'd do without you all you give me hope & strength to fight on.

 Lots of love Julie xxxxx

Pain!

pain pain and more pain I'm bloody fed up of it, I've struggled with it for so long but over the last few months it's got a lot worse, several times I've been back to my GP and had morphine tablets increased not that it did any good, I knew I had oncologist appointment in the 13th so I struggled on till then in the hope she would help me, the night before the appointment was horrendous the pain was so bad I got no sleep I was just pacing the house and eventually cried myself to sleep! So the day of the appointment I was exhausted, Chris came with me and we didn't have a long wait then we were called in, as soon as the door was closed I broke down, as I explained just how bad the pain was it wasn't something she wanted to hear, she has arranged for the palliative care nurse to come out and see me and fingers crossed get my pain under control, the nurse is coming on Thursday am.  also I'm having MRI & CTscan within 2 weeks to see what the tumour is upto but I think we can guess due to all the pain and also my blood results were not very good, it's all such a worry until the results on the 17th November.
  Tomorrow is another milestone for me as Adam becomes a teenager, he was only 5 when I was first diagnosed so for me to see him reach 13 is a massive acheivement, here's hoping I get to his 16th and beyond, likewise with Jess as she turns 18 in March. I try to remain positive it's just so hard to when you're in so much pain,
Next update results day....please keep fingers  & toes crossed.
Julie xxxxx

Lonely

I've just read this that someone has posted on social media. Most of it sums up how I feel most of the time. Thought I'd share it on my blog.

   I'm the girl who hides behind a smile every day
   I'm the girl who has a tough exterior
   But that's not who I really am.
   Im the girl who had an illness.
   The girl who tried not show it when in pain.
    I'm the girl who bottles everything up.
    Sometimes I just need someone to talk to.
    Someone to care about me.
    Someone to listen to my problems.
    Someone who understands my worries.
    Someone to hold me when I cry.
    Nobody knows the real me.
    Nobody knows what I go through every day.
    Nobody knows what I have to do just to make it through the day.
    Nobody understands when I say I'm 'ok'
    I'm the girl who will cry herself to sleep every night.
    It's during the worst times that you will get to see
    The true colours of the people who say they care for you.

     Julie xx

Cancer sucks

A short post nothing really to update I just want to ssssccccrrrreeeeaaaaammmm!! The last few days have been horrendous so much pain in my leg, (add toothache to the mix as well!)  nothing I take seems to ease it at the moment, night times are terrible it's most people's favourite time of the day however not mine I dread  it the pain is always twice as bad during the night, don't know why that is?I can't get comfy I'm up taking pills & oramorph and filling hot water bottles and still it hardly takes the pain away. I'm such a grump then during day I have no energy to do any housework or anything. all I ask for is a good nights sleep surely not too much to ask for!
This evening I heard sad news that a lovely caring friend has sadly passed away, Josie would always stop me in the street to ask how I am or we would tweet to see how each of us were doing, I was saddened when she told me just a few short month ago of her diagnosis, I told her as people tell me to kick its arse. Today is a sad day and my thoughts are with her family. Xxx
I hate this disease so much. Sorry for the sad post!! Julie xxx

how things are.

Hello all! It's been a while since I updated my blog, I've been meaning to update for a few weeks as people have been asking how I am, my usual response is 'I'm fine thanks' so for all those who ask here's a little more than 'I'm fine thanks'!!
Where we are at-my last treatment was radiotherapy September 14' the scan I had after that in early 2015 showed what we kind of expected, slight growth but nothing major that my oncologist wants to rush into doing anything as things are stable and no spread.
That was good it meant I could enjoy a long break and a much needed family holiday that we all desperately needed. The holiday came and went we all had a lovely time and great sunshine too.
Mobility-I'snt great, the pain is just that a pain! I've had morphine increased several times to try and get on top of the pain. I've finally given in and started using a walking stick (sad face) although I must admit it sure does help me get around more easily.
Latest appointment- a few week ago I had an appointment with my oncologist and she was happy things are still as expected, bloods Etc all good, this means another break and we have another holiday booked. At my next app she'll arrange more scans and take it from there, I'm not sure how long things will stay stable for I don't suppose it's something that anyone knows.
For now I'm enjoying life, seeing my children growing up into young adults they make me proud every single day, I still have cancer but as always remain positive even when I could scream when the pain is unbearable, that's usually at night time!.
Work- (sad face) I am now no longer employed, my health has taken that away from me, it's incredibly sad that In reality I know I'll never work again, I've known for a few months but it's been difficult to actually take in. It's a horrible feeling and only them in this situation will understand.
So from me to you think when you are at work, having a bad day, it's sunny outside and you're stuck inside working or you work weekends just take a few moments and think how bloody lucky you are that you can work! I'm becoming good at biting my tongue when I read certain things on social media. What I'd give to have my health and go to work everyday and not be at home in pain going through this shit every single day. Be happy & healthy Julie xx